I love Twitter, I adore Instagram, I'm fond of Snapchat and I'm mildly amused by Facebook. I probably spend a horrifying chunk of my life scrolling through other people's lives, and even though it brings me much joy and many LMAOs it also has the power to infuriate me beyond all belief. So, here is a definitive list of the cardinal sins of social media - as composed by me on a day when I ran out of chocolate milk and it didn’t stop raining - aka I was pissy af.
1. Thou shalt not overshare. You know those people that come really close to your face when they talk to you? Those are the people that tweet about their trust issues, bowel movements and ingrown hairs.
2. Thou shalt not share utter crap on Facebook. No, I don’t want to see a man from Tennessee giving birth to triplets and yes, your cat looks cute, just like it did in the 67 other pictures you uploaded of it this week.
3. Thou shalt not caption thy photos with lyrics from R’n’B slow jams. Selfies (probably) won’t bring him/her back so just give it up. This is not 2006.
4. Thou shalt not post pictures of half-eaten meals. Don't get me wrong, I would LOVE to see what you had for lunch - just have a shred of respect for the basic laws of the universe and show us before you've inhaled half of it.
5. Thou shalt not indirect. This is the number one rule of life and everyone knows it. Beware the *tears of laughter* emoji - favourite of frenemies and bitter exes.
6. Thou shalt not use the hashtag in vain. Desp hashtaggers, we see you, even if you think you've tricked us with a classic 'tag and delete'. What was a #girlswithink doing under a picture of your new trainers, pray tell?
7. Thou shalt not take a half-nude and pretend it was to show off your new necklace/belt/bedsheets. Being honest with yourself is the first step towards thirst-quenching.
8. Thou shalt not send blurry, unidentifiable snapchats. In fact, if you have an Android or a phone that was made 5+ years ago just please spare us – I’ve never seen emojis like that before and they make me very uncomfortable, like when I see someone wearing a "Guchi" t-shirt.
9. Thou shalt not assume hashtagging #unpopularopinion makes your highly offensive comment okay. I’m cool with a healthy debate, as long as you're cool with the ENTIRE WORLD knowing you think Donald Trump "kind of has a point."
10. Thou shalt not post seven statuses about how you're "going off social media for a while." Nope, no one is going to beg you to stay. Not even the seventh time. Off with you.
Disclaimer: I'm probably a hypocrite.